STEVENS, amanda jane

[mandy]

amanda jane stevens
twenty-one,, Columbia,SC ,, photographer/children of divorce ,, straight ,, indifferent ,, Lights Poxleitner
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"a few things you have to know about me is i hate myself more than i ever let on, i do actually care about stuff, and i hurt myself. the first thing is self explanatory, i hate myself, i have for a while now. it started back, i guess, when i stopped acting happy because i was a really happy child. one day some kids were mean to me and i just threw up some walls to keep everyone out, that's why i act like i don't care. with that being said, i haven't been able to get rid of them and there they stand to this day. it's hard to explain but everything i just said goes together, i hate myself so i slice n'dice and i threw up walls that i can't tear down so i hate myself. does that make sense? i guess i'm just afraid.

well, i've been accused by my mom of not 'giving a fuck' about anything. she's called me ungrateful, and that hurts a lot, i just don't know how to fix it. i've been holding stuff in since forever and i feel like i'm just going to break. the cutting helps for sure, it makes me feel better when people tell me i'm ungrateful and mean. there's something just so incredibly beautiful the way pain makes you forget about everything, it sort of numbs the mind in ways nothing else can. i guess there's other ways to do that like mindless sex and getting the snot beaten out of you. let's face it, i'm not a slut and i don't really tolerate violence, it's sort of barbaric... not that cutting oneself isn't barbaric and violent. i guess maybe i believe deep down that if no one knows then it can't be either of those two things. to me it's just liberating.

i'm actually quite nerdy, if you managed to get past my walls... which really isn't likely unless i've known you for years. when i say nerdy i mean i like movies, black and white, colored, 3-D, you name it. i liked school for the most part, minus people they never really understood me. i like anime and mangas? i draw in anime style, i like it. it's unexplainable just like why someone likes peanuts or food i guess. speaking of drawing, i like to draw, i'm pretty good at art. art was always one of my favorite subjects in school, even when my teachers for it never really gave us room to do what we wanted with whatever we were working on. another nerdy thing is that i was always really good at math, in fact i love math. i think it's because i like how there's normally just one definite answer, no questions asked. oh and i know my way around cameras, true fact. i love them i could take one apart if i wanted to and get it back together. that's really what i'll go to school for eventually, and i'm really excited about it.

you know back where i said i do care? yeah well i do. i hate seeing people sad, but i just can't bring myself to help them. i don't want to get close to people because it scares the heck out of me. i care when people are mean to me too, i just act like it doesn't bother me. alright, alright, there are certain instances where i just can't hold an apathetic attitude and i lose my temper, it's been known to happen. i lose my cool and attack people, i tell them exactly what they don't want to hear. i act cocky, i act like a complete and total jerk, but that really only happens when someone i know annoys me or someone i dislike is annoying... i don't normally blow up at people for being mean to me, it's like when someone's legitimately mean to me i sort of shut down... normally, i guess it really depends on the day.

moving on, behind my walls i'm also a little happy, sarcastic, and witty. there's always something beautiful about a good sense of humor. yeah, it's not really something that my parents have seen for a long time, but i still have one. my friends see it from time to time, i just don't really feel comfortable around my parents anymore, it's just something terrible that happened over the years. i don't like to be around them either, off topic. i can be happy, i've been told that i have a contagious smile, so that's a good thing, right?


moving on, i was born to my mama, marie-anne stevens and joshua stevens on january fifteenth 1990. i was baby number two, my older brother alex, who's five years older than me, was first and i was the second and final installment to the family. we lived in columbia for the first ten years of my life. then we moved down to atlanta, it wasn't far from where we were before but it wasn't home. so yeah daddy worked in the city and it smelled so gross. i hate that place, the only thing i really wanted since we moved there was to go "home" but my mom kept telling me that was home. i hated it.

so i put up with it, i got bullied for carrying all my nerdy stuff around, my pokemon shirts, you name it. boys and girls a like. i had a few friends which was nice, they accepted me and were nice to me. i'm pretty sure to this day they're the kids i'm still closest with, they really know me... not all things but still. so i was close to these kids and they accepted me for who i was, but i still got bullied and stuff. in middle school is when my walls started to go up, i really didn't want to deal with any other kids, they didn't understand me or accept me. my parents didn't get me either they didn't even seem to try, my brother though, he understood me. we were close. the end of middle school is when i started to cut my stomach, i didn't cut my legs or my wrists, i cut somewhere no one would really look. the scars weren't really noticeable either and if a doctor asked i told them some bogus story about an accident.

high school was supposed to be different, but it got worse. so i shut down completely for new people, i didn't talk really unless i was alone with my friends, my parents got really frustrated with me, they couldn't deal with it so they left me alone. i was fine with them, i was still mad they made me move to atlanta. yeah, but still i was really into art in middle school and high school. i was always really good at drawing, so i did it a lot, and then i got into photography near the beginning of my freshmen year in high school when alex got his camera, in the end he basically gave it to me and i took it everywhere with me. my friends started a band and i took pictures for their myspace and stuff. i'm not a professional photographer, but i aim to be one day. on another tour i met david, and sort of got pregnant. so yeah. he's my baby daddy to my child, obviously.

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^{hey, so i'm MEG. i've been roleplaying for FOUR/FIVE YEARS now. as well as this character, i also play NOONE. you can reach me by PM/MSN if you need me for anything. i found PERFECT DYSFUNCTION by ALYSSA and i'm pretty glad i did. here's an example of mah skillz. (:}

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